9.01.2009

Hardy returns, For some reason starts

Shortstop J.J. Hardy made his triumphant return to the Milwaukee Brewers on Tuesday night in St. Louis. For Hardy, the call up was a long time coming. "I was a little surprised to be sent down in the first place," he said, "I was hitting better than (Jeff) Suppan, (Yovanni) Gallardo and (Braden)Looper and they didn't send those guys down to work on their swings."

Hardy played his way back to the big club by hitting a blistering .254 for the minor league club. "It was nice to go down to play where it doesn't really matter to anybody, you know, just dick around a little bit," Hardy said.

Triple-A manager Don Money was shocked to see Hardy get the call to the bigs. "Really? That guy that was playing shortstop for us the last couple weeks?" Said Money, "Seriously, they called him up? I mean, good for him, but... wow."

When asked why the team elected to bring Hardy up now, General Manager Doug Melvin's response was "We're 12 out, what the hell does it matter anyways?" Melvin went on to explain that Hardy was a valuable member of the Brewers organization and that "stats aren't really a good way to measure J.J. as a baseball player anyways."

Hardy's teammates were excited to see him rejoin the clubhouse as well. "Oh, he's back?" said third baseman Casey McGehee, "Well... I guess that's good for him. I mean he can... ummm throw the ball pretty well to first. So there's that."

"It's great to have J.J. back," said Catcher Jason Kendall, "I'm just glad someone will draw the attention away from my batting."

Outfielder Ryan Braun also had a very strong opinion about the Shortstop's return, interrupting several interviews with other players to get his voice across. "Yea, it'll be great to have T.J. back, he's a big part of the pitching staff. Hey, have you guys seen my t-shirts? They're really awesome," said Braun.

Opposing pitchers are excited to see Hardy return to the Milwaukee's lineup as well. "He's one of the guys that you circle on the lineup," said Cardinals starter Joel Pineiro, "It's really nice to face a guy like that three or four times a game."

"Who are you?" said St. Louis Manager Tony LaRussa, "What are doing in my clubhouse? Get the hell out of here." After it was explained to LaRussa that member's of the media are, in fact, allowed to interview players, LaRussa said "fuck that," and went into his office staring out from between the blinds.

Top Prospect Alcides Escobar had been seeing most of the
playing time at Shortstop, but will be relegated to a lesser role in the teams offense. Escobar couldn't be reached for comment, "We sent him out to pick up lunch for the office at McDonald's," Said Melvin, adding "He better not forget my McNuggets, I'll be fucking pissed if he forgets my McNuggets."

Escobar, considered the top prospect in the Brewer's system had been batting a disappointing .286 since his promotion. Only fifty points higher than his predecessor.

"Unacceptable," said Manager Ken Macha, "We demand a higher level from our players and Escobar just wasn't living up to our standards. Guys like Hardy, Suppan and Looper, those are the cornerstones of this team."

As far as Escobar's role with the team for the remainder of the season, Macha said "Well, I know Doug going to be using him for a few different roles. So when he's not getting coffee and answering phones he may be available for pinch hitting if the game is one-sided."

Macha appeared to have more to say but was interrupted by a phone call from home, "Gotta take this," He said, "Moving company is packing up my office."

For those that question the validity of Hardy's call up and immediate insertion into the starting lineup, Hardy had strong comments as well. "It really hurts for people to say I'm not playing well when I'm not playing well," he said, "I feel like no matter how poorly I play and how slow I run and how many errors I make and how many double plays I hit into, I'm still a major league player and sending me down was just a dick move. I mean, at other jobs you don't get punished for doing a terrible job so why is it like that in baseball? I'd still like to spend my whole career with the Brewers, even if they're a bunch of assholes."

When informed that Hardy called his decision a "dick move," GM Doug Melvin said "Are we on the record? Fuck it, I don't care, he's fucking traded this offseason anyways. I can't wait for hockey season."

In a related story, tickets purchases by girls aged 13-22 are up 200%.

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