9.08.2009

The Tap Tabloid - Brewers Sign Batting Stance Guy

(Milwaukee, WI) It was announced a short time ago by GM Doug Melvin that he has signed the popular FSN Wisconsin and You Tube icon, Batting Stance Guy, to an undisclosed Major League contract.

Melvin explained the signing by saying, "I was glancing up to the television screen in my box a couple weeks ago, and I saw a swing that was almost identical to Brewers great Cecil Cooper." Melvin went on to say that, "as the weeks progressed I saw more and more great swings come from, this, Batting Stance Guy, and I made up my mind last night after watching him duplicate Kirby Puckett's sweet stroke."

Melvin was asked if he could provide any details about this new signee, to which he just replied. "I've had one of our top scouts watching his performances on FS Wisconsin and another scout dedicated to scouring the You Tube website." One reporter asked for a name, to which Melvin simply said, "Duh, Batting Stance Guy".

Ken Macha seemed especially thrilled, beaming that, "Batting Stance Guy has a swing that is as smooth as Ken Griffey Jr's, a swing as free as Vlad Guerrero's, and a swing designed to put the ball in play Ichiro style" Adding that, "I can insert Batting Stance Guy anywhere in the lineup, and he can swing accordingly, hell, if (Ryan) Braun goes down, bam, Batting Stance Guy fills the void"

Ryan Braun didn't seem to be bothered by Macha's statement, he was, in fact, jubilant of the opportunity to work on another personalized teammate high-five. Braun instead asked us the questions, wondering if he should, "go with a, Top Gun, followed by a reverse blow up from the bottom point of the, Top Gun, circling the arm full circle into a, Tiger Woods fist pump". After thinking for a second, he chimed, "Yeah, I think that'll be pretty cool".

"You have got to be f'ing kidding me." Sveum groaned when first learning of the signing.

"I think it's great" claimed J.J. Hardy "I can use batting stance guy's imitation of me, to help get my mechanics back in order, it's just a shame this signing comes too late for Billy (Hall). Manny Parra then could be heard in the background asking, "Does Batting Stance Guy do throwing motions too?"

"I think that's cool, you know, whatever can help this team" was all Prince Fielder had to say.

After learning about Batting Stance Guy and his ability to swing eerily similar to Derek Jeter, Alex Rodriguiz, David Ortiz, Babe Ruth, Ted Williams, and Joe DiMaggio, ESPN's Peter Gammon's was quick to say, "Probably the greatest player in all of baseball!"

The deal is rumored to be a 5 year deal worth $120 million. Not to be outdone, Cubs GM Jim Hendry has signed a pitcher with the ability to almost perfectly duplicate Tim Lincecum's and Mariano Rivera's throwing motions, that deal is a reported 6 year $150 million deal.

In what appears to be a developing story, Dale Sveum was just seen peeling out of Miller Park after reportedly getting into an argument with Doug Melvin.

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