11.30.2009

Tiger Gone Wild

Since the middle of last week rumors have swirled about the personal life of one Eldrick "Tiger" Woods. First, National Enquirer reports that Tiger is having an affair with a restaurant hostess from New York. It's the Enquirer so take that however you want. The big question for Tiger in the affair sense, is who is hotter? The hostess to your right, or his wife, down and to the left?

Still, I'm not here to judge Tiger on what may be a phantom affair (at least not today). That story in the Enquirer was followed by a 2:30 AM car accident in which Woods was leaving his house and struck a fire hydrant and a tree. Also, the back windows of Tiger's Escalade were smashed out by Woods' wife Elin so she could pull him out of the car (even though he was in the driver's seat).

Follow that up with Woods' refusal to talk to police about the accident and his less than informative statement on his website and you have a lot of questions that we'll probably never get an answer to.

So, I'm here to speculate. Now, I don't know what happened in that gated community and realistically we'll never find out. That said, to alleviate the rush of conspiracies, I'll give you an expansive list of my theories as to what happened to Tiger on that fateful November night.

Theory #1: A little bland, but somewhat believable. Tiger was on his way to the local 24-hour Wal-Mart to pick up diapers when a bunny dashed in front of his SUV and he swerved to avoid the defenseless creature, only to pinball off a fire hydrant and into a tree.

Hearing the commotion from inside the Woods mansion, wife Elin woods (who always listens by the window with a perked ear whenever Tiger leaves the house) grabs a golf club and smashes both rear windows of her husbands car and pulls him out of the drivers seat. Paramedics come, calamity ensues.

Theory #2: After being confronted with his alleged affair, Tiger is beaten-up by his supermodel wife. After fleeing into the garage, he fumbles with his keys while starting his Escalade giving his wife time to catch up with him. She grabs his Nike Dymo Prototype driver (10.5 degrees) and smashes window one, Tiger struggles to switch the car out of park and window two is smashed.

Tiger finally gets away as Elin shouts swedish curse words at him. He pinballs from hydrant to tree, 911 is called, calamity ensues.

Theory #3: There was a bee in the car.

Theory #4: While pulling out of his driveway, Tiger sees a message on his dashboard. He looks closely and sees the letters Y and E. Confused he nears the road as a former Korean body builder turned major champion leaps up in the backseat and shouts "YANG." A startled Woods wrenches the wheel to the right and strikes a fire hydrant and tree. Y.E. Yang kicks out the back windows and flees the scene before paramedics arrive.

Theory #5: Tiger has an intimate night with who he thinks is his wife Elin, during copulation the real Elin enters the room and Tiger realizes he has been tricked into sleeping with her twin sister Josefin in a sitcom-ish attempt to break up their marriage because she has been in love with him all along.

An enraged Elin chases Tiger out of the house with a golf club, smashes both windows, Tiger drives away recklessly, bounces off hydrant and into tree, paramedics arrive, calamity ensues.

Theory #6: Someone took a picture while he was driving. Distracted by the camera click, Tiger cusses, says "Not while I'm driving" and crashes. What, you thought it was his fault?

Theory #7: A distraught Tiger Woods finds out that he is neither African-American, Asian or Caucasian, but in-fact Fijan, when Vijay Singh sing calls and tells him "Tiger, I am your father. Look in your heart, you know it to be true."

Unwilling to accept this, Woods flees his mansion, swedish-supermodel wife, children, and near-billion dollar empire only to be sucked back in when his car bounces from hydrant to tree. Barely concious, he is saved by the power of the force when his long lost sister hears his cries and comes to save him with Lando.

Theory #8: Phil Mickelson got into a car accident with only some light bruises, so Tiger had to one-up him.

Theory #9: While pulling out of his driveway, Tiger has a flashback to hole ten at Turnberry. All he sees is a vivid replay of his drive sailing into the tall grasses of the Ailsa course in Scotland, voices mock his missed cut and he fails to regain reality before his car hops a curb, bounces off of a fire hydrant and into a tree.

Theory #10: He was sexting while driving. Never a good idea.

You know what the beauty of all this is? Tiger will never tell us what really happened, so we can go ahead and choose to believe whatever crazy theory about TigerGate that we want.

1 comment:

  1. I think you may have something with theory #7. It makes the most sense to me.

    ReplyDelete